DH and I photographed a wedding in September for my boss’s daughter.
Today my boss told me that the girl announced to her family yesterday that she is pregnant.
As we close in on the 2 year mark of when we started TTC, I find that I have very little happiness to share with those announcing their pregnancy, especially the ones with surprise babies or in the first month of TTC.
I don’t want to be angry and bitter but I am very tired.
One of the things I have noticed about the Clomid is the intense range of emotions I experience in any given period of time. Yesterday was no different. After spending quality time with DH, which is good for us, I started crying and couldn’t stop. Apparently, I was upset that even though we had spent time together, we hadn’t given ourselves a chance to make a baby. No sex = no baby I guess. Why I was upset about that was beyond me because I truly do love spending time with my husband.
Goodness gracious, Self. Pull yourself together!
In other news, we had a family reunion on Saturday with one of my moms siblings and grandparents. Mom must have told grandma about the miscarriage because she brought up in conversation that she lost 3 babies. I cannot fathom losing that many. I’m already a mess after one. I suppose it did help that they went on to raise 5 kids after the miscarriages.
It will happen for us, right?
It has been a while since I have posted anything. Lately, I have been feeling like I need to tell someone about all these thoughts rolling around my head and here is no one to tell. My mother would freak out, as supportive as she is, Esposo has heard it all and I can’t call him at work every 10 minutes, Washington, a close friend with similar but different reproductive issues, is dealing with enough on her own that I cannot, in good conscious, call her every 10 minutes either. All of this brings me back to you, blog.
I’ll catch you up in bullets, because I love them.
– I miscarried in June and have been slowly healing emotionally since then. My body is much more resilient than my heart.
– The doctor agreed in July to put me on Metformin, a medication normally used for diabetes maintenance. He said that about half of the women who take it experience regular ovulation for the first time in their lives. He admitted that it might not work for me but I wouldn’t suffer any adverse effects by taking it so it was worth a shot.
– Of course Metformin didn’t work.
– I went back to the doctor in September after being more than 4 weeks later ovulating than anticipated. We decided to take Clomid, which is way more risky than Metformin (risk = 0).
– I didn’t get pregnant without the Clomid in September so I started taking it at the beginning of October.
– We’re going to start trying again today. I’m nervous it won’t work but I’m nervous it will work too well and we’ll be expecting twins. Twins wouldn’t be bad, I would love twins. I’m just a very small person and could have a very difficult pregnancy.
I can’t be scared now because we’ve already come too far. I’m trying to have hope because hope is pretty much all we have left.