Sledgehammer of Sadness

There are some days that are great. The sun is shining, there is hope.
There are other days where sadness and despair hits like a sledgehammer. Today is one of those days.
Friends of ours are having a baby, which, in and of itself is not that strange. However, they are having their honeymoon baby. They are at the hospital, in labor and very close to having their honeymoon baby. We are excited for them, having a baby is an amazing step for their family.
It hurts me a little that they are expecting a small bundle of joy 9 short months after their wedding but we’re stuck here, 3 years into our marriage with close to no hope that we’ll ever be able to build our family without spending thousands of dollars on one method or another. It hurts a little that I might never get to feel a baby kick or fully understand what a contraction really feels like. This aching emptiness in our lives might not ever be filled and that is terrifying.
The appointment with the urologist is not until May 5. That is an excruciating long wait. I just hope we get good news.
I keep telling myself that although we’ve gotten lots of bad news from lots of different directions, no one has told us that it’s impossible yet. I can still hope for that surprise.



We are, in very many ways, newbies to this strange, complicated, stressful, acronym-ridden world of infertility. I’ll try explain the story of how our family of 2 arrived at the point where we wanted more than just us and how this turned into what I like to call our “lack-of-family” problem.

To keep it short and sweet, my cycle has always been terribly irregular which wasn’t a bad thing growing because, hey, 3 periods a year is awesome! It want until my husbino and I reached the TTC stage where we realized that crazy cycles mean unpredictable ovulation which complicates conception exponentially.

I talked to my doctor, who was awesome about the whole think. She has been very encouraging and was sure that we were very treatable with Clomid if Husbino’s sperm count came back good. Of course it didn’t! Is anything that simple? The count was VERY low and VERY slow.

Husbino has been out of town for the week after getting the referral to see a urologist so this is where we have to wait. I’m a ball of anxiety about the whole situation, bursting into tears whenever I see anyone announce their pregnant on Facebook (stupid Facebook!) or thinking about how our spare bedrooms might never get filled with babies and diapers and toys.

I needed to talk to someone about this, if only for cathartic reasons only. One close friend of mine is struggling with a different type of conception issue but it can’t be the only thing we talk about. We DO have other common interests. I stumbled across the community of women gathered by Mel at http://www.stirrup-queens.com and felt a strong pull to become one of them. I needed a place to express my fear, frustration, hopes and worries annonymously and so we’ve arrived here.

If you have found me, welcome. It’s good to have someone to talk to. If I’m writing for myself, I’m equally content.